Have you ever thought about what makes you committed to the wrong people? You know, ignoring your gut feeling and the obvious signs then later becoming upset with your friends and family for telling you the hard core truth. Sometimes we as people, especially women, tend to entertain nonsense because of vulnerability, loneliness and/or feeling the need to be romantically pleased. Oh, you don't feel me? I guess I'm the only one.
I'm not going to give up all the tea just yet though. You'll have to stay tuned for that juice. For the time being, let's discuss what it means to be toxic! UrbanDictionary.com describes toxic as "people who will literally drain you from all your energy and financial resources, thru various methods and combinations of "Love-Hate-Love-Hate" cycles designed to confuse you and ultimately break you down". The sick shit is we know the situation is toxic yet we stayed. #NoJudgement
There is something about toxicity that negatively feeds our souls yet provides temporary fulfillment. For example, when you are hungry and have no intentions of making a healthy fulfilling meal, you settle for the strawberry cheesecake ice cream in the fridge. The ice cream is def hitting all the right spots but you're still hungry. While that strawberry cheesecake tasted good then, you have to deal with those calories later. The ultimate fuxk shit, right? Similar to the fuxk boy/girl. That immediate fix is EVERYTHING... well at least we think it is, but your heart later breaks.
Unfortunately, I played myself a few times thinking the feeling was mutual between a mate and I but at the end of the day the signs were there but I wasn't listening nor was I trying let that person go. Whether we want to admit it or not, in the first few weeks (sometimes days) we know the true intentions one has for us. Depending on how they make us feel and/or how we feel about ourselves, we continue to play with fire. Trust me, when you play with fire, you do get burned badly. #FuckShit
Plot twist, we as women always think it's the man that causes all the problems. Let's go a bit further. I recently had a conversation with one of my closest friends, Moe. With her, I am completely unfiltered and transparent. In our last conversation, we talked about what toxicity meant and how to overcome it. In doing so we started unpacking one of our favorite Netflix series, "You". In this series the main character is a complete psycho that has no problem killing and/or harming anyone that possibly serves as a threat between him and his desired lover. Sidebar, we've never dealt with that level of toxicity but we both agreed that we understood how Joe felt. In this case, Joe made his girlfriend, Love, feel like an 18 on a 10-point scale. That's the power of toxicity. The love is so strong that you overlook the toxic traits. I felt that on many levels. In a past relationship or two, the words were too sweet, the touch was so soft but the behavior was toxic AF!
Back to #You, right. The carrot is that the girlfriend ended up being just as psycho as Joe. Now, let's go full circle. In essence, "we attract what we are ready for". Joe was toxic AF and attracted an even more toxic woman. Sometimes, I have to believe, it's true - toxic attracts toxic.
"You didn't break me. You owe your heart to me. We're soulmates, Joe."-- Love
Being ignorant, I told Moe "girl, you see how toxic these men are". She replied, "you don't get tired of playing the victim?" I. Rolled. My. Fucking. Eyes. My immediate thought was Moe is tripping and always talking shit. I felt personally attacked. But then I thought damn son (BK voice), she's right. I rarely take accountability for my own toxic traits I brought to the table. In a perfect world, I'm an angel and always correct. But then I asked myself what about me keeps attracting toxic partners? I once heard in order to find true happiness, one has to heal. Whew chile, this is heavy... Moe, we need to unpack this!
Before you label someone as toxic, I challenge you to analyze yourself first. Ask yourself these questions: why do you engage with toxic people? Do you recognize yourself in them? How do you feel about yourself to allow this person to treat you so poorly? We'll go deeper later, for now, let's all be honest, what is or was your toxic trait? I'll start - I LOVE the blame game.